I cannot take credit for this - this was sent to me on a real estate messageboard by another Realtor who decided to give me some sarcastic "tips" as a newbie agent awhile back in response to my agent photo - shown here on ActiveRain/Relib.  It still cracks me up reading it so I had to share this.  It's great for a laugh - read on!

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Liane, I can tell by your photo that you're new to the business. Let me give you some tips that will help you improve your image among the populace:

1. An experienced Realtor (tm) would have much bigger (Texas-sized) hair. Ask your stylist if she works on other Realtor's hair. If not, check with your broker as to their recommendations. You can't leave a job like this to Supercuts.

2. You have failed to adequately display large amounts of jewelry. You need at least one ring on every finger. Preferably with large stones of varying color. Extra points for turquoise. They don't necessarily have to be real.

3. Your makeup is very subtle and attractive. This is totally unacceptable. You need to cake it on THICK so that potential clients can better identify you from far away. If you've ever been to the theater (seen a play), that's the level you need to be at. That's a professional make-up job.

4. Your photo presents an attractive young lady. This is good. But most Realtors use photos that are at least 20 years old. They want to be seen and remembered in their prime. Photos from college and/or any when you were 40 pounds lighter with a different hairstyle are the norm. If you are already 50 years old, this photo is great!

4a. If you really areas young and attractive as this photo indicates, you should just keep using this pic for your entire career. I don't care if you're 80. Never update or refresh your photo. It will only confuse your customers.

5. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but there's not enough cleavage. You need to sport a v-neck (not a u-neck) top. This better highlights your womanly attributes and your collection of tacky necklaces at the same time. While I'm sure you have these, they're not evident from the above photo. Also, be sure to lean in close when you talk to guys ... and blink a lot.

6. A feather boa, seaquins and a soft-focus "glamor shot" style photo is not out of the question. Since you'll be using this photo for your entire career, it's worth it to spend a few extra bucks.

7. Where's your dog? All top producers have a little dog they carry around in their car or purse. The dog should have a cute out fit and should be in all your marketing materials. Take your dog to closings and talk to it like it's a real person. An agent in our office bought a really expensive lap-dog and wrote it off as a business expense (no joke).

8. You'll need a big-ass car. I mean HUGE. If you don't have a Hummer or an Escalade, you won't be taken seriously. If you can't afford one, you might have to start with a minivan or a Scion XB (the square one). Whatever it is, it needs to be big enough to hold a full-sized (or larger) picture of you, your hair, your jewelry and your dog. Plaster this huge picture of you on your status-vehicle and drive around all the trendy spots. This is the best advertising you can get for the money.

I guess that's it for now. I know there are some other points but these should keep you busy. Keep us posted. I'd like to see how it all turns out.

In a later post from the same Realtor....

Since every list worth listing has 10 items, here's the last two.

9. Boobs.  Did that get your attention? Good. They get everyone elses attention too. All mega-agents have had some "work" done. The more successful you are, the more you have done. A boob-job is the starting point. They're relatively inexpensive and they pay for themselves with just 2 closings! Of course I recommend you lead with revenue so only pay for them when you have the cash. It's okay to do one at a time. When you're first starting out, the deals will be fewer and farther between.

You will soon notice how these enhancements improve your business. At that point, you just continue to move up the scale (botox, chins, noses, eyelids, spray-on tanning, drawn-in eye brows, etc.) your broker can give you advice here. Feel free to ask other agents about it too. Most of the agents in my area are overprocessed and have more fake parts than real parts. Feel free to ask them questions. They'll be flattered by the compliments and will freely share their advice with you. Michael Jackson and Jerry Jones are good candidates for this uber-realtor look. If you make it to this level, it's okay to disregard rule 4 and re-shoot your photo.

10. That fingernail stuff is tacky. We're not trying to propagate a lowclass "trashy" image. We also don't do mullets, tatoos or trailers. What we're going for is excessive opulence. Something so ostentatious, so over-the-top, so in-your-face that regular folks (regs) will have to do a double-take. You want people to think, "Dang, that crazy b!0t@# is making some phat cash. She must be a good Realtor. I have to have her!".

The basic premise of this entire list is that you want to be perceived as being so affluent that taste, style and other people's opinion of you doesn't even phase you. Highlight, accentuate and even revel in your peculiarities. Clients will respond to your aloofness and success will follow shortly.

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Just thought we all might get a laugh out of this since we all know much of this is true about our industry!