Megan – I have often wondered if there is a way to get everyone that I consider a friend to buy through me. I decided years ago that some will and some won’t. I don’t have a reason for it but I guess I have come to the conclusion that maybe some are not comfortable since it is a business deal and they are afraid that it would be difficult to break off a relationship of confront you if there is something that was not going the way they felt it should. They may also have a better friend doing the same thing.

In either case they are still your friends and nothing has changed in their eyes. I continue to promote my business with them and hope that those that have chosen others to represent them will come to their senses and realize they could have had the best had they only chosen me! I’ll still attend the weddings, baby showers, graduations and consider them my friends but I will also keep trying to get them to see the Light!

I have a great friend that owns a dealership. He is one of my closest friends but I have yet to buy a car from him. It doesn’t make him less a friend; I am just not a Buick buyer.

Keep plugging and don’t let it concern you, some of them will and some of them won’t but they will still be your friends and what price can you put on that.

Megan, I can empathize.  I think we've all had this happen to us.

Lesson #1: and most important,  Don't take it Personal!

Lesson #2:  People have their own reasons for doing what they're doing.  I don't push them for explanations.  I tell them I wish them success and hope it all works out.  If not, please let me know, I'm always here.  I believe that many people do not want to "employ" a friend for fear that it will interfere with the friendship.  I've accepted that.  

I have one friend, though, who's been trying to sell her house for over a year.  She calls me frequently to ask "what's wrong?"  I know what's wrong....I just can't tell her because of my professional ethics.  As long as she's listed with someone else, I really can't talk to her honestly.  She's the problem!  Until she wakes up and smells the coffee, she'll never sell her house.

Another who's gone through 3 agents in 9 months.  I told the Sellers at the get go that I wouldn't list it over $410K.  They listed with someone else at $470K.  It's now down to $429K, again, 3 agents later.   They contacted me when their last listing agreement expired.  I told them their current Agent is "aces" (and she is).  If she couldn't sell it, what's wrong?  The price!  

I'm glad I didn't get that "friend/SOI" listing.  Imagine how much money I would have lost!

Count your lucky stars.

That was a great response Gary. I have many friends who are CPA's, but how many can I use - ONE! I've chosen in my life to only use one that isn't a friend and explain to everyone that if you have two friends, how to do you tell the other that you are using someone else. It was just a business decision and nothing personal was meant by it and Megan please don't take it personal yourself. As your business grows, some of these same people may begin to use you.

Megan, good post. I use to wonder this but having worked now with family and friends on purchases and sales I am absolutely happy that they don't work with me. They tend to think they are the only client you have, they tend to want your services on sale, and the list goes on. All the negatives. If anything goes a little askew, its your fault.

Oh I still get a little angry inside when I find out they have listed or bought with another agent, because I at least want first right of refusal, lol, but actually it is a good thing.

You will see this when you actually do get to work with family or friends. You might wish they had called someone else. Then at least you can hear all the bad things that agent did and know it wasn't you. At least you could benefit from a referral fee.

I am from a large Romanian community outside of Atlanta.  After I got my license and started doing good, every Romanian and their brother got into real estate!  

Talk about people acting funny!  I have seen it all!

Bottom line, keep marketing to them anyway.  You never know when the other agent they used will get out of the business or move away or get hit by a bus....oops...forget I said that last one!

Can you say NEXT!  

Megan, in my first few years in real estate (this is year 6) this happened to me too often.  Now I rarely loose a friend or acquaintance to other agents - thank goodness!  Looking back I think that they may not have trusted me - after all I was new - and buying and selling a home is a huge investment to entrust to a novice - however much they liked me.  Like you, I found that they were always willing to talk real estate with me, the difference now is that when we discuss the market I have more knowledge, competence and confidence and I believe they recognize now that I know what I'm talking about.  If one of my friends became a dentist I would be hesitant to use him until he'd had a few years' experience too!

Megan, great post, all of the commenters have been excellent. Like everyone, I wish I could get them all and I'm disappointed when I hear they have used someone else but now I understand it a little better.

Not all of your friends will do business with you. That's life. And, whoever said life is fair?

But, I wonder, why do you physically and financially support THEIR causes if they're NOT supporting you?  The least they can do is send referrals. And if they can't do that, I'd rethink my abiliy to support their causes.

My own cousin is going to use some one else to buy their home through because his, soon to be, wife's parents have a family freind they have been working with "forever"

I used to take things like that personaly, until I remembered that every stranger I sold a home to probably had a family member, freind, or freind of a freind they could have used instead of me. There isn't a real reason people do what they do. They just do :)

I hear you David!

My own brother and his wife went with someone else!  

Lew, although I sometimes feel the same way about the quid quo pro, giving should be done for the right reasons and, as so many coaches will agree, giving for no reason other than giving will come back to you ten-fold in the end....unless it's your brother and his wife.  :))))

Oh...from the title I thought this was about something else...

Nevermind.

Phil

Megan, Please don't start telling everyone you know that you are looking for friends WITH benefits :)

Someone (Phil) might misunderstand :)

BTW Phil, I thought the same thing.

Wish in one hand and do something else in the other and see which one fills up faster.

Thank you Bill!  I was feeling a little...tainted...

As I'm sure all the pros at RELIB and Megan know, the best way to take the news that family/buddy is going to work with another agent instead of you is to be demure and supportive.

"Wow, that's great!  I'm so happy for you.  Be sure and let me know if there's anything that I can do to help!"

We are in it for the long-term, and who knows, their agent may flake  on them, OR they may have a horrible experience this time, and call you 2 years from now when they are ready to sell.  I've definitely had it happen to me, and by staying cool, I was still in the game.

See you later!

Phil

Hi Megan,

It has happened to all of us. Keep your chin up and keep marketing to them. I did once ask a friend who had interviewed me as well as 2 other agents what was her decision based on when she chose someone else. I told her it would help me in my next listing presentation to know what my weak areas were. Her response was that the other agent told her that the buyer would probably be from a certain ethnic back ground and that agent spoke that language. When all was said and done, she based her decision on an argument that was full of holes anyway. Go figure! P.S. that listing expires in about a month and you can bet I will be trying to pick it up!

Phil, Bill and Gary---

Shame on you! lol  I thought the same thing.

On the other hand, I really don't want to turn into an insurance salesman type of person who everyone (including kin) run in the opposite direction when they see me.

Megan,

I understand how you feel.  My brother-in-law bought a home thru another agent.  Bad thing about it was I had actually shown the home to another client, so I was familiar with it.  Also, the seller was a member of my church.  Wow, talk about a double whammy!

My sister-in-law listed her home with another agent.  I was crushed for the second time.  Then I decided that I couldn't list it, I would sell it....and I did!  SWEET!

Some friends and family will select you as their agent; some will not.  I agree...don't take it personally.  They are all prospects, whether friends, family, or strangers.  Remember, a 'NO' puts you one step closer to a 'YES!'  Shake off the dust and keep going!

I was once told by a Real Estate Agent with 50 years experience that I should Remember one thing;"MY FRIENDS" are the ones that provide me with employment.

The ones that BUY or SELL through me.

The others are aquaintances.

Don't support aquaintances' "charaities" if the reason is only to get business.

I've found that providing funds for local sporting groups or functions -(Christmas Carols) seems to have the opposite effect. They seem to think that, if I'm doing well enough to give money for sporting groups etc..., they don't need to use me.

"Friends" of "Friends" work out OK, but require a lot of maintenance.

Any way the comments re legal tightrope you walk with "Friends" and Vendors almost makews it not worth while.

If you treat your Buyers, Sellers, Tenants, and Landlords like CUSTOMERS you are better off.

It was suggested to me by a former mentor to ask for the referals of there friends and family, instead of there business. Typically friends perfer not to do business with friends to save relationships, but still want to see your business be sucessful.

The best friends have no exectations.

I found that in the first few years my friends were the last ones that wanted to deal with me. It's probably going to take some time to gain their confidence. Mean time, take the high road and try to be excited for them. There's nothing to be gained by displaying any kind of resentment. When you've had an opportunity to show them that you're in for the long term they'll likely start to look you up.

Best wishes.

Well....this happened to me constantly my first 5 years, even my very BEST friend signed a one year listing agreement with a BRAND NEW 18 year old boy agent!

However, this year, my own parents decided to list with me and then was when I realized, I too, am glad I normally work with complete (and almost always nice, strangers)...

Imagine as a woman, having to tell your mother to clean off her countertops? And she balks...and says she shows them how many things you can keep on your counters...

She hands me some lame plain flyer from another realtor and tells me how nice it is...and I had created one for her home with my artistic technology background on Publisher with many bells and whistles and it has the works on it...and she likes the basic plain one on thin paper from that OTHER realtor.

She refers to the tv ad some agent has, saying she will BUY your house if it doesn't sell!

She (is 82 yrs old) says why can't SHE hold the open house? After all, she is an expert on the house and says she can tell people ALL about the house and what she has done to the house...

She wants to know why I want her to de-clutter the house? Are YOU saying my house is not good enough for you to sell?

I don't WANT to clean the carpets right now, I will clean them when I move out! They ARE already clean!!!! (White carpets, really could use a scrub...)

PS I dutifully referred this listing to another agent last month!

I listed my best friends house today so now I am a little scared... She has referred me to others and I have sold all of them in under three weeks by myself. No pressure....UGH.

My sister is listed with another agent but we are still speaking as she lives in another province.  She wanted to know why her house hasn't sold and after two weeks why her agent wants to reduce by more than 15k.  I told her to google her house and see what comes up. (nothing) I said to google the agent and see what comes up. (nothing) I said google the company and see what comes up - thank god they have a site because at this point I just wanted off the phone before my sister lost her mind - but her house was not on it.  

I think if they are your friends they will use you or not use you for one reason - they really know you. Some people are private. Some people have skeletons.  And some need to work with an average to bad agent for 6 months while you nod and smile and then get the listing and sell it.  

Or - you could list your best friends house and pray she is still your best friend even if it does not sell. We will see...

You will gain some, you will lose some, just focus on the good things.  I ususally do say something like 'My business is referral based, so I appreciate your business and referrals', that way they do know that I am looking for referrals and that I am not spoon fed by my broker.  

Megan,

Everyone is right about their experiences of dealing with friends.  It's even worse when you have listed a friend's home and it hasn't sold in six months or more.  Their esteem for you rapidly diminishes. They probably feel hurt because they think you haven't tried hard enough.

I like Gary's response, though.  Conversely, haven't we all bruised our firends feelings too in the past and even now when we need a certain service or product and we select one out of 10 friend?

While on that subject, aren't we also guilty to ask our friends their professional opinions of their industry to educate ourselves and later we buy that service online or with someone else?  NAW! No Realtor would do that.

John

This just happened to me.  It is hard to believe especially since they kept saying are you ready to sell my house.  Oh well.  I can't believe they did not even give me a chance.  Instead they went with someone who just got their license 6 months ago but is much much older than me.  I have a feeling it has to do with my age 29.  However I have an extensive professional background 7 years banking experience 5 of them in as a branch Manager.    

I just needed to vent that out today.  It has been bugging we since yesterday.  

Thanks,

Jessica

I forgot to mention that they listed it Sunday afternoon and it is still not on the MLS.  Can you believe that?

Jessica – Look at the bright side – you could be a bald old guy with a lot of experience and still not get the listing.  Then what are you left with?  You are at least young and attractive and have your whole life ahead of you. Let failure set the mark for tomorrow’s gains. Two months from now call them and ask them how they like there new home and when they say they haven’t sold there old home, say I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would take this long.

'Friends' use other agents because they don't want you to know their business. A so called 'friend' of over 30 years contacted me 2 years ago (through another agent in a different state) while I was out of town. They wanted to sell the family home. I called them immediately and arranged to meet them at the property. I prepared my comps and explained various pricing points that would get the home sold.  I also explained our marketing plan and broad based exposure the home would recieve. They listed with someone else!  Why did the waste my time? I was really pissed.. By the way the home has been on the market 2 years. I never see any open house or advertising done by that agent! Good Luck to them. .  

It will come around for you, stay the course.  Success  happens when you are willing to do what others do not take the time to do. It will pay off !!!

Don't worry at some point they will find they maybe,  they should have atleast considered you or gave you an oppertunity to speak with them about it.

If they ask questions, they maybe are having problems with whom they are using. Try to find out why they are asking you,  there must be a need somewhere hidden.

I agree, friends and relative make the worst buyers' and sellers'. Look at you, don't you feel badly. Go on from there and you will see, if one sphere doesn't work try another. I am in this for 20 years I had likewise, they would call me for advise because they always had a problem with  "their Realtor" it hurt but I would just go on. Sometimes I would say who you using, ok and I would wait until the tears and ripoff would happen. I didn't make any money from them but I know they will use me in the future. I was a Top Producer for a (big Blue Rock) company and my family were big money Traders int he Stock Market. At family functions they would say I saw your picture in the paper. I think they thought I was just doing this to get my nails done. Wrong, I do it because of the money and I love seeing the first time homebuyer or seller have the satisfaction I once did. The American Dream.  

The average person lives in their home in NJ 5 years, picture that. I lived in the same town for 33 years, I moved 10 miles 3 years ago basically all the same areas. So you will have your big day just keep smiling and don't look back, I know Realtors you look professional and caring.

Megan,

The trick is the "catchy title" and yours certainly does peek one's interest!

I use the referral line for "friends and family".  In our monthly newsletter we send out by email (to everybody we know regardless of where they live) we remind folks that this is our business and we will answer any Real Estate questions for them or their friends and family regardless of where they live, and we will help them find a successful real estate agent that will work hard for them.  

And I also use it when competing against a friend or family real estate agent...  They tell me, we really like you and your marketing plan and want to use you, but feel obligated to their cousins wifes sister who has been in the business for 5 years and only had one transaction.

At that time, I can say "sometimes it is hard to mix family and business.  How about if I offer to pay your family member a referral fee, so they will get something and not feel put out? I am allowed to pay a referral fee to referring agents and she can continue to be your ally and get money for doing nothing".  

It can help them move to a yes!

Shelly

www.taylorconstantzhomes.com

Jessica,

How do you think being an ex-branch manager of a bank makes you a better Realtor?

Has it ever occurred to you that the older agent who got the listing instead of you may have better persuasion skills than yours?  That agent may have had other qualifying skills the sellers thought would be an asset for them.  Is it possible than the reason the listing is not on the MLS yet is because the agent may have a "pocket listing" agreement with the Seller.  Boy, that agent must be good.  

Or, I know you will resent this but have you ever considered that the sellers may have thought "why shall we give our listing to a former banker who, in nature, is accustomed to work only 9 to 4 and never on weekends?

What makes us so arrogant to think we are so irresistible and so invaluable that no seller or buyer could ever possibly say NO to us?

How about some of the listings you have - Is it possible that you got them after your sellers had already promised their listing to their acquaintances?

I think that this practice evens out in the long run.

I am a 53 year old geek and, in my real estate career, I have lost dozen of listings to boobs and curvy derrières, not to mention those young guys who were indeed younger, smarter and slicker than I.  That's life.

And, to quote Joan Rivers: "Grow up, will you?!"

John

WOW! I guess it's not just me!  I've always felt like, if my own friends and family, won't use my skills and services, then what chance do I have.  They (my family and close friends) know how hard I work and how committed I am to my clients.  Even though I've been practicing real estate for over 7 years now, its something that really bothers me.  So, it's nice to see that we all go through this and it's not something to take so personal... I'll continue to work on that part ;)

Four of my current listings are homes of my friends ... three of those are homes that I sold them in the past ... am I under pressure or what? To be honest, in todays market I have nothing against them listing with somebody else ... and knowing that only one of these sellers is going to be buying upon the sale of the current home, isn't helping much either. It took me over 2 years to earn the trust of my friends when it came to helping them buy and sell real estate ... and now when I finally have their trust ... well, I'm dreaming of the sellers' market :-)

VERY good posts!

A client who came via referral from another client (their best friend and neighbor), told me that she used to work out several times a week with another local agent for years.

When that agent found out that she had listed both her homes with me to sell, she informed my client "I hope you know we can no longer be friends!" Friendship over. Because she felt 'entitled' to the listings. I don't believe she was entitled to jack cheese . . .

Sometimes our friends, family and even acquaintances don't use us because they don't in their minds make the connection between US and EXPERTS. They knew us before real estate so their brains short circuit somewhere around Jello shooters in college or change of life schizophrenia and somewhere in there, a little bird whispers, "Does she really know what she's doing? What if she doesn't? We won't be friends and I'll be screwed . . ."

I don't like to discuss real estate with non clients until they become clients in social settings.  Make an appointment for a consultation!

I may be losing my in-laws as clients.... can you believe it?

This is an excellent topic..... personally, I just provide good service to everybody and just see where the chips fall.  In terms of not getting ALL the biz, that's okay and normal.

In my first few years, I did not even bug my sphere.  Honestly, I don't really even bug them now but if you are a true professional, they will want you to represent them.